A Story for the Hell of it
by Daniel Jay
Summary: What happens when a Sunnydale resident makes the mistake of selling his soul for some chicken?


First thing's first. No actually characters from BtVS appear in this story. It's just something that might happen in the Buffyverse. What with demons, witches, and whatnot. So it's in the spirit of the show. A fucked up spirit but still in it. I could have written this with either Xander or Oz as leads, but they didn't really fit the dialogue. Plus I'm trying to incorporate some of my own characters into the show. Me being the star of this one. So read it. If you hate it flame me, like it praise me. Either way, I had fun writing it.

* * * *

It had been six months since Sunnydale resident, Daniel James, had made that terrible mistake which changed his life for good. As with a boulder thrown into a lake, the repercussions seemed to go on forever.

A dare. That's how it began. It sounded harmless enough. Offer your soul to the devil, and receive a bucket of chicken in return. Unfortunately for Daniel, something happened which shouldn't have. After reciting the words, a pail of KFC appeared on the kitchen table.

"What the fuck?" Those were the only words that remained in his mind. Confusion soon gave way to fear. Denial followed afterwards. _This can't be happening. This can't be happening._ The sentence was caught in a loop that couldn't be stopped.

His sister, Leslie, didn't appear to be fairing and better in grasping the reality of the situation. Except for the words, "Oh shit," she remained quiet. Her jaw hung open, emphasizing her shocked state. She remained completely motionless, like her brother. He soon followed in repeating the phrase; "Oh shit."

Days later, all Daniel could go was wallow in self-pity over the circumstances. His routine was eat, drink, sleep, shit, piss (not necessarily in that order). While not taking care of bodily functions, he would lie in bed and think about the absurdity of the situation.

Leslie wasn't doing any better. She continued with her regular routine, and was in complete denial of what she had seen. When her father would inquire about the reason for Daniel's strange behavior, she would simply reply, "He ate some bad poultry."

Things would have continued spiraling downwards for Daniel, if it weren't for a single idea. We are each the master of our own destiny.

* * * *

Daniel James stood twenty feet from his destination. It seemed as if every muscle in his body ached. His arms felt like noodles. It took all his strength just to keep his pick ax in hand. His knees felt as if they would soon succumb to the pressure placed upon them. His back suffered like he'd spent the night sleeping on a rock (which wasn't far from the truth). If anything, his legs were in even greater discomfort. While walking a bolt of pain shot up from his feet with each step.

He could feel the crisp mountain air against his eyelids and surrounding regions. The middle portion of his face, after all, was the only part of his face exposed to the harsh climate.

He was dressed appropriately for climbing a mountain. His thick clothes kept him well insulated for the cold arctic winds. The boots he wore were spiked, a necessity for any sort of climbing. Besides the pick ax, the only other accessory was a backpack filled with food.

A smirk crossed across Daniel's lips with the realization that he was almost at the end of his journey. He knew he had to be quick though. His guides told him that they would only wait two days for him. It had taken him a day to reach this place, so he was pressed for time.

Part of his mind cursed the guides for not following him. Another part understood their concerns. This region of the mountain was home to a lot of bad memories and the originator of several folklores.

With a bit of confidence in his strides, Daniel walked into what he hoped would change his life once again.

* * * *

The inside of the cave was slightly lower than his height, causing him to crouch a tad. The walls were fairly close together, creating a sort of tunnel. About thirty feet away, Daniel noticed a faint light. He cautiously made his way to it.

Half way down the tunnel, Daniel thought about the current situation.

"This is so fuckin cliché," he blurted out with some humor in his voice.

He then stopped and thought about that for a second. Shaking his head he thought _Nah,_ and continued on.

At the end of the tunnel was a moderately sized room. At the center of it was a circular pool filled with water, which was pretty strange considering the outside the cave it was minus thirty-five degrees Celsius. On the other side of the room were three statues of women who looked like they spent their years at a nunnery. Placed at each side of the statues were two torches that kept the room fairly illuminated. Daniel also considered the fact that these torches were still burning to be pretty strange.

_Hello? You sold your soul for some chicken! You should be used to this shit by now?_

With that argument in place, question about the torches and water quickly dissolved from his mind.

Daniel pulled back the hood and yanked off the scarf that concealed his face. Intrigued by what he must have looked like, Daniel walked over to the pool. The water was perfectly still so he got a good look at himself.

_Ahh! I got that goddamn 'Flock of Seagulls' look going again. _

His hair was should length and had curled toward his face creating a bad eighties haircut. Running his hand through his hair, Daniel could feel the grease.

"I need to wash my hair," he muttered.

With water so close, Daniel considered washing himself, but ultimately decided against it.

Upon closer inspection, Daniel could see he was growing a decent mustache. With his hand against his cheek, he could feel some stubs coming out. _Decent beard in a while too_, he thought.

"Time to get down to business," he mumbled to himself. Daniel slid the backpack off his shoulders. He then placed it against the rim of the pool and opened the bag.

_Aha!_ he pronounced to himself. In his hand was a small book that had taken him four months to find and nearly two thousand dollars to buy. He cradled the small book in his hands like it was worth a million dollars. To him it was worth much more than that, though. To him it was worth his life.

With the book flipped to the appropriate page, Daniel sighed. _It all comes down to this. Just like Army of Darkness._ A feeling of confidence swirling around inside him, Daniel began reciting the words.

Ten minutes later, nearing the end of the passage, Daniel felt a wave of uncertainty destroy the confidence he once held. A minute later he was finished. The silence following was a crushing blow to his entire being.

"Fucking Latin!" he raged. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" Daniel dropped to his knees as if the life was drained from him.

"Daniel." He was still lost in his own self-pity, so the omniscient voice spoke again. "Daniel."

Daniel's head jerked around violently in search of the source of the sound. He stopped and thought about it logically. _The statues._ He stood up, with the book still in his hands, and looked across the room. At first glance, nothing looked different, but peering closely he noticed a difference. Their eyes were open.

"Hello?" Although Daniel tried his best to sound calm his voice betrayed him. "Sisters of Kaui-Ginn?"

The sister in the middle responded. "Yes, Daniel James?" She spoke with such sincerity and clarity that all of Daniel's fears were washed away.

_This is so Clash of the Titans._

Daniel stumbled to find the right words. "Yes, I come before you with a request. I wish to regain control of my soul."

"You relinquished control of your soul," the first statue stated with a voice identical to her sister's.

"I was tricked." Daniel frustration was becoming apparent in his voice.

"You chose your destiny freely knowing the consequences," the last statue said. Daniel could hear a hint of annoyance in her voice. "You can only gain custody of your soul if he chooses to give it back to you."

"The one called Lucifer…"

"Mephisoto…"

"Or Malbogia. He goes by many names."

Daniel had a look of disbelief plastered on his face. "The only way I can get my soul back is if the Devil gives it back to be?!"

"That is correct."

"And just how am I supposed to talk to him?" Daniel asked, drenching the air with sarcasm. "It's not as if he's listed in the yellow pages."

"If you wish to speak to him, the fountain in front of you will take you to your destination."

Daniel stood silently. He wasn't quite sure what the statue meant, but he intended to find out. He removed his gloves and placed them on top of his backpack. Kneeling before the fountain, Daniel inspected it closely.

It didn't look that special. The rim stood knee high and was made out of marble. It was in remarkably good shape, considering that it was probably built several thousand years ago. The fluid inside didn't look any different from other water.

Daniel decided that he should see what if felt like. Cautiously, he placed the tip of his index finger into the water. A millisecond later he yanked his finger out on instinct.

Panicking, Daniel feverishly rubbed the tip of his finger._ I couldn't feel anything. _Daniel gently pressed the later finger against the one that had been in the fountain. _I can feel it now_, he thought to himself. And then he noticed something odd. _It isn't wet._

Daniel crept over to the pool and looked over the water. With the same finger, he grazed its surface. To his amazement, there were no ripples. The water remained perfectly still. The loss of sensation in his finger only added to his wonder.

_Might as well go for the gold_. After taking a deep breath, he sank his entire forearm into the fountain.

"Whoa," he whispered. It was as if his arm had been separated from the rest of his body. He then pulled it back out and examined it closely.

His arm wasn't wet. _Might peculiar,_ he thought. There weren't even any remnants of the liquid clinging to the coat. _It can't be separated from itself or be disturbed from its original state._

"I'd like to thank you for your help, ladies," Daniel said still crouching before the fountain. The statues' response was silence. With his gloves, book, and backpack still lying against the pool, he stepped onto the rim. A step later he was gone.

"Punk ass bitch…"

"or bitch ass punk?"

"It will be debated till the end of time."

* * * *

Hell wasn't as hot as he thought it would be. Then again, he couldn't feel anything so it could have been hot for all he knew.

After falling for a few seconds, Daniel found himself standing in a huge cavern (puzzling since he didn't remember actually hitting the ground). The cave seemed to go up and down forever. Daniel's eyes couldn't comprehend just how high this cavern was but the width wasn't that hard to gauge.

_A football field would fit nicely in here._

"_Indeed."_

Daniel cringed and felt as if his mind had just been raped. The voice that spoke to him reverberated through his head. Even after it disappeared, he still felt violated. It was as if the voice had left snakes in its wake, free to scurry through every corner of his consciousness. To help compose himself, be buried his face into his hands.

_What the hell am I doing this for?_ he thought, mocking himself_. I can't even feel my hands so why am I covering my face in them? _

His hands pressed against his face, Daniel suddenly became aware of how detached he felt. There was no sense of feeling, at all.

_Just remember, I think therefore I am._

Slowly raising his head, Daniel's vision followed a narrow catwalk. Just thirty feet away was a throne supporting the demon that owned Daniel's soul.

The throne stood at the very center of the cavern. It was eight feet high made completely out of human skulls. The lava flowing from the walls of the cave only added to its majesty and increased the intimidation Daniel felt.

Fear engulfed Daniel when his eyes settled on the thing sitting on the chair. The Devil stared at Daniel with a sickly grin stretching across his face. His body was a dark red with black highlights in some areas. His hands clutched the skulls at the end of the armrest, while his hooves rested firmly on the floor. The mammoth horns sticking from his head were what alarmed Daniel the most. All the Devil wore was a black vest and some black pants.

"Just like I pictured it," Daniel muttered to himself.

"Exactly." The Devil spoke with a deep, sultry voice. It was deceptively soothing; a far cry for the voice Daniel had heard in his head. "This cavern, my form, all are being controlled by you. This is what you excepted to see, so this is what you get." The Devil paused, sensing Daniel's discomfort. "I am sorry for intruding upon your mind earlier. I've modified our form of communication to put you at ease." The Devil smiled at Daniel, exposing his fangs.

_Exactly like in Legend._

"However, you don't have complete control. I have as much control over this environment as you. Your vision pleases me, so I accept it."

_I wonder what else I can control besides the environment?_

"If you wish, you can change your own form," the Devil said, seemingly able to read Daniel's mind.

_He did it before; he's probably doing it again. _Daniel looked over himself. He was wearing the exact same boots and pants. _Time to see what I can do_. He closed his eyes and a second later opened them.

"Hey," Daniel said joyously.

Daniel wore a loose pair of black jeans. Not too loose either, Daniel noted, pulling the fabric away from his leg. His shoes were black runners. A white, denim, button shirt with a white tee shirt underneath covered the top half of his body. 

_No logos either. Woo hoo! No corporate whore here._

"I see you're enjoying your newfound freedom," the Devil said in a pleased tone.

"Very cool, man, very cool," Daniel said looking into the Devil's eyes for the first time. He paused as a sudden revelation hit him. "My eyes aren't blurry. I can see!" The joy of the moment made Daniel momentarily forget exactly where he was. "Fucking glasses anyways. All they did was mess up my eyes." Just saying 'glasses' added a hostile tone to Daniel's voice.

"Enough, Daniel James. What is your request?" The Devil's voice remained soothing despite the words.

Daniel took in a deep breath and blurted out; "Can I have my soul back?" The sentence came out meekly. Not at all the way he wanted to sound.

The Devil stared at Daniel with a look of surprised amusement on his face. Finally he let out a hearty laugh that shook the walls. "My, aren't we blunt," the Devil said, still snickering over the mortals behavior.

_I may have given up any leverage I had._ From another part of his mind, Daniel heard a boisterous "Duh!" Counterattack time. _Shut up brain or I'll stab you with a q-tip_. Gotta love those Simpson homages.

Daniel's attention turned back to the Devil. He was staring off in another direction, obviously deep in thought. He continued to have his forever smirk plastered across his face. _The man must take prozac._

The Devil's gaze turned back to Daniel. He slapped his hands together and stepped off his throne. With his step forward Daniel took a step back. Amused, the Devil stopped moving.

"Daniel James. You may challenge me to a game of your choice for the rights to your soul."

* * * *

"Battleship?"

Daniel's head jerked up. "It worked for Bill and Ted." The Devil looked confused. "You know. Excellent Adventure?" No response. "Bogus Journey?" The Devil looked frustrated. Daniel placed his right hand against his chest and raised the other to the sky. "Be excellent to each other."

"You should have said Keanu Reeves," the Devil said laughing. "Good movie."

Daniel sat attentively across the table from the Devil. His chair was a leather recliner that he once saw at Sound Innovations. He only wished he could feel the true experience of the plush chair. The Devil decided to stick with the basics (chair made out of human skulls).

_Battleship, the game of kings_.

"Remember, if I think for a second that you're reading my mind we start over."

"Agreed." The Devil offered Daniel a pleasant smile. "Shall we begin?"

* * * *

Daniel was feeling good about his current situation. Although the Devil had struck first, it was Daniel who eradicated most of the Devil's fleet. He was a sneaky one that Devil. Instead of placing all his ships on the board sparatically (as Daniel did) he chose to place all but one on the outer rim. A ballsy move that even Daniel considered.

From across the table Daniel could hear a whistle and finally an explosion. _A sweet, sweet sound, _Daniel thought. The Devil's lips flared. Despite that, the Devil was handling his anger very well.

"B9," the Devil said. His voice was devoid of emotion.

"Miss." Daniel's lips formed a half smile. The Devil emitted a low growl in response.

_Victory is almost mine. All mine! HA HA HA HA!_

"H4." Upon uttering those words, Daniel could have sworn that he saw flames behind the Devil's eyes.

The Devil looked as if he was about to explode. The being brimming with confidence was no longer there. He was now arrogance thwarted. Every muscle in his body tensed. His eyes were filled with an intensity that Daniel had never seen before. Still, he remained motionless.

_Like a volcano. Wonder what happens when he pops?_

Daniel could feel an impending change. Reality shifted right in front of him. The Devil and his surroundings became muddled and swirling. Picture a painting sprayed with water. Everything around Daniel was spinning, and gradually the images became more distorted. Eventually, nothing was recognizable.

At the end, Daniel remained the same. He wore the clothes he wanted to wear, and he felt no different. His setting was gone, however. The grand spectacle of Hell was washed away; replaced with an infinite blackness.

The illusion was gone. This was reality.

Reality was not a pretty thing for the Devil. Gone was the colossal demon whose appearance struck both awe and fear. A beige colored creature that resembled an emaciated old man stood in its place. The fact that it was hairless, possessed no penis (or testes), and reached a height only half of Daniel's, contradicted the possibility of if being human.

"You fucking cunt!" the creature shrieked. Its voice was old, raspy, and had a touch of masculinity. "You ignorant piece of human trash! You motherfucking, cocksucking-"

"Whoa there, little buddy. No need to use the two c's. Cock and cunt just aren't nice."

"Screw you, mortal! If I still possessed you soul, you'd be in a world of hurt right now!"

"My," Daniel's tone was mocking, "aren't we filled with a lot of attitude for a demon that's THREE FEET TALL!" Daniel bent over till he was eye level with the demon. He then let out a hearty, mock laugh. "You're not even a man, you little shit. You can't even take a piss or jerk off."

_This must be hell_.

"I said it before and I'll say it again, screw you mortal!"

Daniel contorted his mouth into the largest smile he could create. He then performed a dance which somewhat resembled an end field celebration, and a voodoo jig. The demon looked on in disgust.

"I beat the Devil. I beat the Devil." Daniel continued with his abnormal dance and a childlike taunt when he heard the demon grumble something under his breath. "Speak up, man. Or are you vocally as well as bodily waste disposally challenged." Daniel stopped his jig. "Now there's a tongue twister."

_That or it just doesn't make sense._

"I said I'm not the Devil."

"Say what?" Daniel wondered if his face accurately reflected his puzzlement. "Then who are you?"

"Bob, sector 7G, soul apprehension unit. We usually ignore all wrongful seizure claims, but you caught me on my day off. Thought I'd have a little fun with you. Didn't think I'd actually lose, though."

"Life can be a bitch." The demon nodded his chin slightly. "So, Bob, how exactly do I get of here?"

The demon sat down, letting out a sigh of relief. With his legs crossed before him, Bob pulled a lit cigarette out of the darkness, and pressed it against his lips.

"Nothing like that first smoke in the morning," Bob said, exhaling the smoke. He then motioned above Daniel. "Up there."

A few inches above Daniel's head was the bottom of the pool, perfectly still. Raising his hand, Daniel regained feelings of sensation. The feeling captivated Daniel, and filled him with exuberance. It was as if he was coming out of the womb.

With a good grip, Daniel turned to Bob. "See ya." Bob raised his middle finger in reply. 

"Fuck you," Bob said, and went back to concentrating on his smoke.

* * * *

_Yay, I have a soul again._

Happy. Another word couldn't describe how Daniel felt at that point. The sheer exhaustion and aching he once felt vanished. With all his equipment securely fastened to his body, Daniel walked out of the cave and back to Sunnydale. It was time to catch up on all the Futurama episodes he missed. J


End file.
